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Huckabee Claims “Jesus On the Cross” Supported the Death Penalty

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This entry was posted on 12/3/2007 2:50 PM and is filed under Breaking News.

BREAKING NEWSLOBOTOMY COLUMN EXCLUSIVEBREAKING NEWS

Huckabee Claims “Jesus On the Cross” Supported the Death Penalty

WASHINGTON, DC (LCP) – The former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee has been officially designated as a First Tier candidate in the Republican race for the Presidency with his statement that Jesus on the cross supported the Death Penalty

The national media declared that only a First Tier Republican candidate was capable of making such a statement.  Chris Matthews, a longtime supporter said, “You never hear Democrats making statements like that.  I think it’s a flaw in their moral character.  That’s what I like about the Huckster.  He has the courage to speak his mind.”


Huckabee just after Jesus performed
the miracle of the fish and bread

Huckabee is rapidly gaining on Romney in Iowa.  This statement will probably boost his popularity even more.

Because of his statement, Huckabee has just received the endorsement of the influential evangelist Anal Roberts which will help him with Log Cabin Republicans.

A Baptist preacher, Huckabee apparently was able to answer “yes” to a question posed by one of his favorite Baptist Spirituals “Were You There the Day They Crucified My Lord.”

John McCain wanting to score some points with Social Conservatives said that he was sure that Jesus supports the Death Penalty as well.

“Although I tried my best to make it to the crucifixion,” McCain said, “I was delayed.  I couldn’t help it.  The North Vietnamese were torturing me at the time.  Believe me, like any good Republican I would have loved to have seen Jesus crucified, but Victor Charley had other plans for me that day.”

Trying to show that he has as close a connection to Jesus as any other Republican, Mitt Romney said that in his heart he knows that Jesus supports waterboarding.

“Crucifixion is a very painful death,” Romney said.  “Jesus told me that he would have preferred to have been waterboarded instead.  It makes sense when you think about it.  He did walk on water.  So what’s this big deal about waterboarding anyway?  If it was o.k. with the Lord, then it’s alright with me.”

All the candidates’ talk about their personal relationships with Jesus inspired the internationally renowned advice columnist Dr. Zane to share his experience the day Jesus was crucified.

“The way I remember it,” Dr. Zane said, “it was an unseasonably hot day in Jerusalem.  I hadn’t intended on being there but this was a big event.  You know, it’s not every day that they crucify Jesus.  I mean, this was a big deal.  Everybody came into town for this.  To be honest, I don’t remember seeing Huckabee or Romney there.”

Dr. Zane said that he had a really good spot, front row center, and that he saw everybody who was there.

“All the popular Palestinian and Canaanite celebrities were there,” Dr. Zane said.  “I never saw so many of them in one place.  Many of them had gotten tattooed just for this occasion.  The crowd was very impressed.  Most of the populace had never seen such designs before.”

According to Zane, Jesus had very little to say from the cross.  A few times Jesus called out to him from the cross.

“I just sat there,” Dr. Zane said.  “He called my name but I was scared to go up to him.  Finally, Jesus was very weak and he called out to one more time.  I could barely hear him with his weary and weak voice say, ‘Dr. Zane.’  I knew he was going to die soon.  Even though I was scared, I knew I had to go up to him and hear what he had to say.”

Dr. Zane claims that Peter and John were pissed off that Jesus didn’t call out to them.  Zane said that neither one of them would talk to him for years after that because of their jealousy.

“As soon as I walked to the cross,” Dr. Zane said, "Jesus called out my name.  I said, ‘I’m here Jesus.’  He struggled and could barely get the words out of his mouth but he slowly said to me, ‘Dr. Zane, you know, from up here I can see your house.’  I was touched.  Who knew that he could see my house?  If I had known, I might have watched it all from there.”

Responding to both Huckabee’s and Zane’s remarks regarding the last moments of Jesus, Idaho Senator Larry Craig unequivocally stated, “I am not gay.”

 

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